


Stay Golden

by YWBFound



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor is sad, Everyone is just sad, F/F, F/M, Gay, M/M, Self Harm, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, connor swears more, evan is sadder, evan swears a LOT, groupchat, jared is going to meet the love of his life, let my boys and girls and everyone in between be happy, zolana is queen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-03 08:56:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14565498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YWBFound/pseuds/YWBFound
Summary: Evan tries to kill himself, but someone is there to stop him.





	1. The Start Of Something New

_Evan was sat in the park with a razor in one hand and a bottle of pills in the other. He had thought about how he was going to do this for months,ignoring the idea to jump out of a tree again,this was his best bet._

 

_Evan hasn’t always wanted to die. These thoughts started appearing when his father left. He left when Evan was 15 and they hadn't been very close-or at least in the way he wanted to be. Evan wanted a father who would play catch with him, not a dad who would give Evan subtle touches, and do things to him that were indescribable behind closed doors._

 

_He has never told his mom what his father did to him. He believed that would make his mom feel bad and he never wanted that. But he was now starting to regret it. A week ago Evan found out that his dad would be moving back in. That he and his mom had worked things out, and that was the scariest thing that could ever happen to him._

 

_Most of his life was spent thinking it was his fault, that he was the one who made his father do such things to him. But later on in his life he discovered that it was never the victim's fault. Evan has tried to repress these memories for almost 3 years, but when he heard the news, he just, broke._

 

 _This wasn't the only reason he wanted to leave this shitty earth. He has anxiety, depression, and no friends to help him cope. Sure, he had Jared, but he was always very sure to remind him that they were only_ **_family friends_ ** _. Family friends was a term he has become used to. Jared constantly reminded him but at this point in his life he could finish the sentence for him._

 

_He also had Alana. They didn't talk much in school but they were vent buddies. Alana would vent about shitty teachers and Evan would vent about his shitty father. Evan never told her about what was done to him specifically, but to him and his mother. Between the verbal and physical abuse, that was enough to have everyone hate him. But Jared and Alana were all he had._

 

_His mom was never really there. She was gone most days and if she wasn't she was sleeping. She was a fantastic mom and he loved her very much, but he couldn't help but feel he was constantly burdening her. I mean, let's face it. She worked all the time because of him and had to take him to therapy and give him pills and it was all too much. She could live a happy life without him._

 

_So there he was. Sitting in a park with Xanax in his frozen hands plotting his death. Should he write a note? Would anyone care if he did or not? Is this a mistake? Endless questions went on in his head until he heard a familiar voice-_

 

_“Hansen?”_

 

_This couldn't be happening.Connor Murphy. School psycho. Here right now. When he was trying to fucking kill himself. When he fell off the tree he wanted somebody to come save him but dammit not now, not here, not-_

 

_“Jesus Hansen I know you can hear me just-” his expression goes from confused to soft-”Hansen? Are you okay?_

 

_“G-God Murphy I'm j-just fucking p-peachy just l-leave me the h-hell alone” his voice was quivering and he felt something warm go down his cheeks. Of course he was fucking crying. Of course he couldn't keep it together until he left and the he could kill himself in peace._

 

_“Hansen, I-I never knew you felt this way. I always thought you were just the shy anxious kid who wears polos and is friends with fucking Kleinman- I mean shit” he chuckles while shaking his head- “I didn't know you had it in you, kid.”_

 

_“Y-You wouldn't understand. I feel so alone all the time." Evan says, shrinking into himself._

 

_"I wouldn't understand? You've heard all of the rumors. "Connor Murphy is a school shooter" "Connor Murphy sells drugs" "Connor Murphy is in a fucking mental asylum". I have no friends and my family fucking hates me. So I think out of everyone I would understand the most." Connor shrinks down on the tree beside him._

 

_"I-I bet your family doesn't hate you. W-why would they?" Evan asked cautiously_

 

_"I'm the disappointment in the family. I do drugs and skip school and lash out on people. I'm angry all the time and somehow that's my fault. My parents refuse to get me help and get mad at me when I do stupid shit. They act like I'm a ticking time bomb." Connors chipped nails were making crescent moons on the inside of his palm. Evan took a long look at Connor. He didn't look angry like he always did, he looked lost. He like what Evan saw when he looked in the mirror. He looked **broken.**_

 

_"I f-feel like a d-disappointment too. My mom works s-so hard and its all because o-of me. I h-hate being this anxious mess because I d-don't want to feel like p-people are w-walking on eggshells a-around me. I want t-to be normal and b-be able to t-talk to people. I can't e-even tall to the d-delivery g-" Evan turns to Connor and smells the air around him. "Connor w-what the hell? Put that t-thing out! My mom is gonna kill me!"_

 

_Connor had a shit eating grin on his face. "Considering what you came here to do, would that be such a bad thing?"_

 

_"D-dude that's n-not funny! Please put it out!" Evan looked at him with pleading eyes._

 

_"Dude I'm almost done with it chill out." Connor takes a drag from his joint." You want some?"_

 

_"Nonono I couldn't! I don't smoke my mom would kill me and-" Evan thought for a second. His mom was never there. How would she ever know about this? Plus he was really freaking out so maybe this would help? "Actually, yeah. I do."_

 

_"He'll yeah Hansen! Its going to hurt the first time you breathe it in so watch out for that." He hands Evan the joint and shows him how to smoke it._

 

_Evan takes one drag and becomes a coughing mess. Connor hands Evan a water bottle. After a few more drags he gets used to it. A little bit too used to it._

 

_"Hey Connor?"_

 

_"Yeah"_

 

_"Nothing is fucking real, right? Like isn't life just some sort of illusion?"_

 

_"Jesus Hansen you're so high"_

 

_"High on life man. Like we could just stay here, lying on a fucking tree, for the rest of our lives. And nothing would change."_

 

_"Well, the earth wouldn't change, but the people in our lives would change without us. I think without me my parents would be happier. And my sister? She wouldn't have to feel like a prisoner in her own house. It would probably be better"_

 

_"When will we find the purpose in our lives? If I can't find it now, what is the purpose of continuing? My mom and Jared and Alana would all be fine if i left. And my dad? God I hope he's sad about me leaving. He could finally feel bad about what he did-" Evans eyes went wide when he realized what he said.Connor looked at him with concern in his eyes._

_"What he did do to you?"_

 

_"Nothing! He did nothing at all! Actually I feel better so we should probably go home" Evan could practically feel his heart beating out of his chest. Connors lips were moving but he couldn't hear him. **Boom Boom Boom** was the only thing he could hear._

 

_"-sen? Hansen??"_

 

_"I, I gotta go" and with that, he was gone_


	2. Healing is a Process

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good things happen. Bad things happen. In the end the boys have all they need, each other.

_ Connor spent almost an hour walking around the woods trying to find Evan. The two weren't friends, though, he kind of wanted to be, but Connor saw something in Evan. A broken, lost boy. Someone who just needed someone to lead the way. Plus this kid had a bottle of pills and a razor and Connor wasn't going to let this kid let go of his life. _

 

_ Connor was kind of pissed at first. Why the hell would Hansen, school's #1 shy boy, want to kill himself. He thought it was unfair. He probably didn't know what real problems were, at least what Connor considered problems. But when he said something about his friends and his father, he felt some sort of connection. _

 

_ Connor had never been close to his father. His mother and his sister? Maybe. But his father? They were always fighting. It was about “low grades” or weed, but it was always something. When he had first tried to kill himself he got yelled at for being selfish. That's when his dad first hit him. It has become a frequent thing now, mostly when he's drunk. _

 

_ Connor had been deep in his thoughts when he heard quiet sobs above him. Of course he was in a tree. _

 

_ “Hansen? Hansen I know you're up there just- please come down? We need to talk” _

 

_ “I-I can't. You'll ask me w-what happened and I just c-can't talk about it yet. Not now. N-Not with you. I just don't k-know you well enough. I'm s-sorry” _

 

_ “Hey don't be sorry. We all have our own things to deal with. Just please come down? I'd like to get to know you, maybe? To be friends? That may be a stupid idea but we are both alone so we could like, watch out for each other?” Connor takes a step forward and reaches out his hand towards Evan. _

 

_ “R-Really? Why w-would you want t-to be friends with this m-mess? I'm- I'm broken, Connor. I c-can't be fixed. And i don't want t-to be p- pitied. B-But if y-you're being s-serious, I-I'd like t-that.” Evan gave Connor his hand and shot him a weak smile. _

 

_ “Do you maybe want to go to my house? My family is shit but we could watch a movie?” Connor gave Evan a hopeful look and smiled. _

 

_ Evan smiled back. “S-Sure” _

_ \------------------------------------------------------------------- _

_ They arrived at Connor’s house about an hour later. They took a detour on the way home because Connor insisted that they go to A La Mode. Evan learned that Connors favorite flavor of ice cream is coffee and Connor learned that Evans favorite is just plain ol’ vanilla. _

 

_ When they got to Connor’s house they were the only ones there. They sat down on the couch and watched friends. They were going to watch a movie but Evan saw it on Connors continue watching and they both decided they would rather watch it. They talked to each other about their favorite colors, favorite books, and what they wanted to do after high school. Evan wanted to major in environmental science. Connor wanted to either go to dance or art school. _

 

_ They were both having a perfect night. They had gotten to know each other more than they thought they ever would. They were throwing popcorn at each other and laughing hysterically, as if the nights events never happened. They were doing something neither of them have done in a while. They were having  _ **_fun._ ** _ But of course, that had to be ruined. _

 

_ They both jumped when they heard a door slam. Loud footsteps were heading their way and Connor didn't look scared, he looked angry. A fairly old mad came stomping into the room. Buttons on his shirt were in the wrong place and he reeked of alcohol. His hair was messy and he had bags under his eyes. _

 

_ “Well who the hell is this? Connor you gonna introduce me to your little fag pal over here? Is this just another fuckbuddy? You are such a disappointment” _

 

_ “Dad please..” Connors voice fierce. He sounded angry and Evan could tell all he could see was red “Can't this wait until tomorrow? He's just a friend and we were having a good time. Can't you leave my life alone for two fucking seconds?” Connors said bitterly. _

 

_ “ _ **_GOD DAMMIT SON!_ ** _ YOU DO NOT TO TALK TO ME THAT WAY!” Evan then heard a loud slap. Connor was holding his cheek and his dad stomped away, muttering angrily. _

 

_ Connor turned back to Evan with hurt in his eyes. The fury was all gone and what was left was pain. He slumped down on the couch. _

 

_ “I'm sorry about him. He gets like that when he is drunk. He's a dick” Connors voice was barely a whisper. _

 

_ “Are-Are you o-okay” Evans expression only showed worry. _

 

_ “I'm fine Hansen just, lets just go to sleep.” _

 

_ “Does t-this happen a lot?” _

 

_ “I don't know just- lets drop it, okay?” _

 

_ “B-But how do you n-not know?” _

 

_ “I said let's drop it. It doesn't matter. No matter what I say it's his word against mine successful lawyer vs local teen stoner? The odds aren't in my favor. I just deal with it.” Connor shrugged and curled himself into the couch. _

 

_ “Well I just think that- well, nevermind. If it h-happens again will you tell me? My m-mom would let you stay a few n-nights to get this settled.” _

 

_ “I'll tell you” _

 

_ “Promise?” _

 

_ “Promise.” _

 

_ “M-Maybe promise will b-be our always?” Evan started giggling at his own joke. _

 

_ Connor rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically. “Goodnight, Hansen” _

 

_ “Goodnight, Connor” _

 

_ “Hey Connor?” _

 

_ Connor turned over sleepily. “Yes Hansen? _

 

_ “Thank you.” _

 

_ “No problem. You're worth it.” _

 

**_You're worth it._ ** _ Those words were on Evans mind until he went to sleep. Was he worth it? Will things be okay? If they aren't okay, will it happen again? Evans thoughts about ending it didn't go away, but they faded as he felt a warmth spread through his chest. He didn't have to go through it alone anymore. He had someone to help him fight. Evan Hansen had a friend. _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyy. I'm getting so many ideas ahhh!


	3. Broken Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuff goes down with Evans dad. Connor does what he can to make him feel better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!  
> Rape  
> Violence  
> Slurs

_ Evan was having a terrible week. Connor hasn't talked to him since he stayed at his house, he completely embarrassed himself by having a panic attack on the bus, and his dad was finally moved in. Evan hasn't been with him alone yet, but it was bound to happen, Evans mom decided she was going to pick up more shifts for extra money. _

 

_ As for Connor, he ended up texting Evan a few days after his dad settled in. He said that he should come over some time so they could play video games. _

 

_ Evans mom had just left so he was getting ready to go kick Connors ass in Mario cart. He smiled at the thought of Connor raging over a silly game. He was almost out the door when a hand grabbed onto his wrist. _

 

_ “Hey son! Where ya going?” His dad asked, pulling Evan closer to him. Evan could smell the rum in his breath.  _

 

_ “I-I am j-just g-going to a f-friends house. H-He's actually expecting m-me so I s-should go.” Evan stuttered out pulling away towards the direction of the door. _

 

**_TW:rape (kinda graphic_ ** _ ) _

 

_ The grip got tighter and the sweet innocent look on his dads face became cold and hard. The look Evan just hated. It was the look Evan had become too used to years ago. His dad caressed up and down his sides with his thumbs. He pulled Evan closer to him. _

 

_ “C'mon! I've barely been back a week! We haven't talked in years-” he looked down with a menacing smile on his face “-Why don't we catch up? It'll be fun for the both of us.” _

 

_ “P-Please dad j-just let me g-go.” Evans vision went blurry with tears. This couldn't be happening again. He thought it was all over. He just wanted it to all be over. _

 

_ Minutes later Evan was pinned down on his mom's bed, only wearing his boxers. He felt cold. He just wanted to be bundled up in a blanket with Connor. _

 

_ “God I've missed you. I've missed these arms” _

_ He kissed up both Evans arms. _

 

_ “I've missed these legs. God these thighs. They were almost my favorite part of it all. Almost.” _

_ He kisses and bites at Evans legs. _

 

_ “And this chest. God this chest and this stomach..” _

_ He licks all over Evans chest and bites around his nipples. Evan is silently sobbing and is letting out pleas for his dad to stop. But his dad never listens. _

 

_ His dad began to get closer to his waistband and he couldn't take it anymore. He pushed his dad off, making him land on the floor. _

 

_ “STOP” Evan screamed “PLEASE PLEASE JUST GET OFF. I HATE YOU GET AWAY FROM ME.” _

 

_ “YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT BOY. I MADE YOU THE MAN YOU ARE TODAY. SO YOU'RE GONNA TAKE IT.” A loud crack filled the room as Evans dad punches Evan in the nose. It begins to bleed and Evan starts sobbing hard. He wanted it to be over. He needed it to be over. He couldn't talk it anym- “I know you secretly love it son. The fag in you is just crying out in pleasure.” _

 

_ As his dad undressed him and did awful things to his body, all he could think about was Connor. Did his dad always hit him that hard? He felt an awful stinging pain coming from his nose. Not only was his nose bleeding, it also had bad cuts from all his dads rings. His thoughts began to fade and so did his vision. _

 

_ Evan came back to reality when his dad was cleaning him up. His dad leaned into his ear and whispered two words into his ears that made him start crying again.  _ **_Good boy._ ** _ He was not his dads boy. God he shouldn't even call him his dad. He needed to get out of there. Fast. _

 

_ He threw on his old class and ran to Connors house. He may be mad that Evan was late but Evan didn't even care. He needed out. Evan didn't know when he started crying, but he continued to cry while he ran. He finally reached his destination and didn't bother knocking. He just barged in and limped his was to Connors room. Fuck he shouldn't have ran. Everything hurt. _

 

_ He opened Connors door to find an angry looking Murphy. Connor spoke before he could stutter out his apologies. _

 

_ “So now you show up? God i can't fucking believe you. You were supposed to be here two fucking hours ago! You didn't even text me or anything. I thought something might have happened! God you're so fucking- wait fuck Hansen, are you okay?” Connor looked at him with pure worry in his eyes. _

 

_ “I-I… and i-i” he couldn't get a full sentence out before crying and collapsing on Connors chest.  _

 

_ “H-he hurt me Connor. He hurt me so bad” Evan was shaking in Connors arms. _

 

_ “Evan. Hey look at me, okay? Who hurt you?” Connor wiped tears from Evans face with his thumb. Evan winced when Connor touched a cut and Connor let out a fast apology. _

 

_ “It-it was- d-do you promise n-not to tell? N-no one can know” _

 

_ “Fuck Hansen, sure. I won't tell. What the hell happened to you?” _

 

_ “It was m-my dad. He h-hit me and he-” Evans eyes filled with more tears and they began to flow.  _

 

_ “Evan, I can't help if i don't know what he did. Please, i need you to tell me.” Evan took a hold of Evans hand and gave it a tight squeeze. _

 

_ “H-He raped me. Connor g-god please h-help. This has b-been happening for years. I-I can't take it anymore! I-I can't get rid o-of him by t-telling my m-mom and I d-don't want her to hate me. I d-don't know what to do.” By this point Evan was screaming more than crying. _

 

_ Those words broke Connors heart. Sure, he didn't really know the kid, but there was something about him that made his heart flutter. He was so kind and cute and it hurt him seeing that he was being treated that way. Like some sort of fucking toy.  _

 

_ “I-I… how about we just go and take a nap. We can talk about it more when you get up. I'll make you tea and give you ice cream. I'll make you feel better. Is that okay?” _

 

_ Evan sniffled and gave him a small nod. Connor held Evan close like he was holding on to life itself. He wasn't letting this kid fade away. He wasn't going to let him go through it alone. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys this chapter made me so sad! Leave comments telling me some fluff because we all need it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I am so excited to make this an amazing story so please comment below and let me know your feedback!


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